Assuming the world keeps spinning, alcohol will be consumed by many and there will be ill-advised forays into the land of inebriation.
Perhaps we can mitigate the damage with some timely advice – things you never want to do while drunk.
1. Get a tattoo. Tattoos are the leading cause of Hepatitis C in this country. More Americans die of Hepatitis C than AIDS. The Hep C virus is in blood and is difficult to kill. It is easily transmitted while getting a tattoo if absolute sterility isn’t maintained. Get your tattoo when you are sober enough to judge the cleanliness of the tattoo parlor, or settle for a piercing – earrings rarely cause major complications.
2. Get pregnant. Alcohol impairs your higher cortical functions. This is your rational self, the place where reasoning, judgment and “the brakes” reside. Evolutionarily older brain is less affected by alcohol. It is your inner cave man/woman. This version of you is only concerned with the more basic emotions, like hunger and lust. You don’t want to get dragged off by the hair to a cave.
3. Get married. Someone once said “questions of marriage and divorce should be made in cold blood.” You need your rational self to consider such decisions. Getting married is easy and fun; putting up with each other for the rest of your life is a little more challenging.
4. Mix Chemicals. Alcohol is a respiratory depressant. Narcotics are also respiratory depressants. Moderate drinking chased with a couple of oxys or Vicodin can be a deadly combination.
5. Mix Chemicals, Part 2- Stimulants. Cocaine, methamphetamine and ecstasy are all stimulants. Take any of these and you are now a “drunk in motion.” Not more coordinated or a better driver or rational decision maker; just in motion. Think of this as looking for trouble; you are now a human pinball.
6. Drink more. If you are awake and feeling pleasant, this is as good as it gets. More alcohol will seem like a very fine idea, but it isn’t. Trust me on this. Vomiting on your shoes, or your date, does very little to improve your social life. On second thought, it may prevent 1, 2 or 3, which are all worse.
7. Sign legal documents. We already discussed marriage licenses; but car loan documents, mortgages or wireless contracts are equally ill advised when drunk. Save these things for when your brain is working at its best.
8. Be profound.
9. Break-up, make up or significantly change an ongoing relationship.
10. Drive. Almost half of the serious and fatal car crashes involve alcohol. Over 20,000 people die each year. You have a better chance of surviving an encounter with a Great White shark than staying out of trouble in a car. A designated driver or cab fare is an absolute necessity.
Take care and stay safe.